Jackie Fullam: MissFit of the Month

One week following her first-place finish at the 2012 Mid-Atlantic Hopper, Jackie turned to me nearly in tears as we sat alone in the gym after a WOD and told me, “I feel as though I didn’t deserve to win.  I don’t know why I’m, I’m.”  I finished her thought; ”what, you don’t know why you’re good?” 

I told her she shouldn’t feel bad about the gift she has, and it’s OK to feel happy.  But she was trying to tell me something.  I wouldn’t understand until month’s later when I interviewed her to be MissFit of the month what she was trying to say.  Truth be told, I have been so busy lately that she had to remind me; she had something she wanted to get off her chest.

Before I move on, let me give you the back story about Jackie. 

I am actually one of her coaches at CrossFit York in Pennsylvania.  I cannot put into words how incredibly proud I am of her.  The fact is I love her!  She is one of the sweetest and most genuine people I know.  If you met Jackie, you could not help but like her.  And if you ever witnessed this 47- year- old mother of three, workout you would understand why I call her Juicy J: aka Ms. Bad Ass. 

Jackie started CrossFitting in 2008 because of a recommendation from a co-worker.  Her regular routine of 20 to 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of doing machine circuits three times a week had grown monotonous and Jackie was ready for a change.  To give you an idea of how “in shape” Jackie was prior to starting CrossFit, she could do 13 unassisted stability ball sit-ups, UNBROKEN!

Today, she can do 25 pull-ups consecutive kipping pull-ups, deadlift 245 ib., clean and jerk about 125 lb., and bench press her body weight of 125lb.  By the way, she can do muscle-ups. 

Here, let me impress you some more.  In 2010, Jackie finished third-to-last in the Mid-Atlantic Hopper at CrossFit BWI, but came back in 2011 to finish 2^nd in the Master’s Division.  Wait there’s more.  She easily swept the competition in 2012, taking first place in her division.  Still not impressed?  She gave her winnings of $300 to the charity Fight for Mike without blinking an eye.

So now that you have an idea about Jackie, I think it’s time to share her message.    

We met for coffee, to chat it up.  After about 30 minutes of answering the questions I had prepared for her, Jackie turned to me and said “I want to tell you the thing I wanted to get off my chest, is that OK?” 

Me: Let it out!

Jackie:  I’m kind of nervous, but here goes.  My dad molested me throughout my childhood.  He actually went to prison for nine years because he did it to other girls, too.  I have been living with this guilt my whole life.  No one really knows this.  I’ve been holding it in and I just feel like I want to set it free!  When something good happens, I almost feel like I don’t deserve it and when things go right, it feels like luck.  For so long, I’ve been afraid to take control of my life.  But lately, since I have been doing so well at CrossFit, I feel responsible.  I feel like I need to take control.  I feel like I owe it to others to share my story because maybe it will help someone to be brave or strong during their troubles.  I’m tired of holding it in.  I’m not telling you this for pity or sympathy.  I don’t want any pity.  I don’t want people to feel bad for me.  I just want people to know that getting through hard times is possible no matter what.  So many people complain, but everyone has problems.  Everyone.  You have to let go of the past and step into who you are and just live.  

Me:  This is what you were trying to tell me at the gym isn’t it?

Jackie:  Yes!  I just didn’t know how.  I was scared.  But fuck it.  The truth needs to come out.  Maybe it will help someone.  That’s why I CrossFit.  I was kind of embarrassed about being good at something, but I’m thinking that if I can inspire someone. If by watching me, another woman is motivated to be better then it’s all worth it.  The same goes for my past.  If by me admitting to my past gives another woman or girl strength and hope then let it be.  I never expressed myself when I was a little girl because I didn’t want anyone to know about my life.  So I just kept quiet.  There is a lot of shame involved in being a victim.  The truth is; it’s his shame.  I know that now, but as a kid I felt ashamed and embarrassed.  But that is my past.   I feel I owe it to others to speak up now.  It’s time.  That’s why I like CrossFit, I can be myself and leave it at the gym.  That’s why I never complain when I see the workout on the board.  I think there are worse things out there.  No matter how hard the workout is, I think, “I can get through this workout.”  When I finish, I feel good about myself.

Me:  Jackie, I have no words.  I don’t know what to say.  Thank you so much for trusting me with this and sharing.  You’re an amazing woman.

Jackie:  I feel so good about telling you this.  I’ve wanted to tell you for a very long time.  I thought I was going to cry, but I didn’t.  I feel free right now.  This is great.  Thank you!  I feel like I should have said something sooner, like a long time ago.  But it is what it is.

Me:  I have one more question for you: Why are you a MissFit? 

Jackie:  Because I’m a bad-ass.  Just kidding.  To be honest, I don’t know.  I just know that I want to continue to be better in all that I do.  I feel kind of responsible now that I won the Hopper.  I just want to help people.  I guess that’s why I’m MissFit.

After hearing about Jackie’s experience first-hand, I am in awe of her as a woman, as a person.  Our conversation has been heavy on my mind for weeks.  I didn’t know how to present this, because I didn’t want to screw it up.  But now I’m following Jackie’s lead, I’m just going to put this out there.

Sometimes in life, we are forced to do things we have no control over.  We are put through experiences we don’t deserve or understand. Ultimately, we are in control of how we handle the shit that life throws at us.  We have to decide how we are going to live.  Do we live with constant guilt and pain when something bad happens to us or do we try to find light out of the darkness?

Jackie has decided to be a beacon of light.  She has decided to be a champion.  She has decided to take control, and turn the rough waters into a sea of calm. 

Jackie has reinforced my personal belief that by sharing our experiences, we can give others strength.  We must share the lessons we have learned to help inspire others- to motivate them to change their lives, to better their lives.  Thank you, Jackie.  I’m so proud of you.  You truly are a MissFit- a bad-ass MissFit. 

Are you or someone you know a MissFit?  Share your story.  E-mail me at L.brittneyrussell@gmail.com.