How I Learned To Own The Barbell

Today I feel like sharing.

Anyone that knows me, knows that I underwent shoulder surgery June of 2011.  They also know that I worked extremely hard to rehabilitate my shoulder in order to recover 100 percent.  It has been 19 months, and I am actually stronger now than I have ever been. 

What most people don't know, is how terrified I was to lift heavy again.  When I say terrified, I mean I would literally have panic attacks thinking about it.  In my mind I would say things like "I can't do that" or "my shoulder's not ready for that kind of weight" or "Brittney, don't be a dumbass trying to be a badass!"  Like I said, I was a little petrified.  But then I had what Oprah calls an "Ah Ha moment."  

During my recovery, I would train in private a lot because I didn't want people to see me struggle.  One night last March, I decided to go into CrossFit York late at night to work on cleans alone.  At that point in my recovery, I started to feel very strong and confident that my hard work was paying off.  I wanted to test it.  Leading up to that day, I was only cleaning 65 pounds because it felt safe.   

As I warmed up, I started to get nervous.  I knew that I needed to test my abilities and find out if my rehab work actually held up to a challenge.  I started with an empty barbell and cleaned sets of 3.  With each set I would add five pounds.  65 pounds went up with ease.  My hips were explosive and my shoulder didn't feel any pain or discomfort.  I added more weight.  Again, it felt great.  As the weight continued to climb, so did my confidence and for a moment the "old" Brittney was back.  I was fearless and confident.  I was fired up! Excited!  But then the barbell was at 95 pounds and something happened.  The emotions that I was filled with disappeared. 

My mind was now filled with anxiety and fear.  Many defeating thoughts were going through my mind and my head was spinning with emotion.

I put my hands on the bar, but nothing happened.  I didn't even attempt to pull.  This is no exaggeration when I tell you for the next 30 minutes I paced around the gym bubbling with anger and frustration.  I was angry because I was scared to try, and I was frustrated because I didn't understand why I was feeling like that.  I continued to pace and curse myself and the barbell until finally I yelled out loud, "Brittney! Stop fucking around and pick up the damn barbell already!  You're either going to succeed or fail, so just fucking try!"

Don't you know that once I decided to do it, the barbell went up with ease.  Seriously.  I was so taken aback that I did five more cleans at 95 pounds just to make sure it wasn't some kind of fluke.  Nope.  It was happening.  As a matter of fact, I hit a clean at 120 pounds that night.  I exceeded my expectation by 25 pounds.  Crazy. 

When I was finished, I started to laugh hysterically.  I was laughing at the fact that I COULD in fact lift a 95 pound bar.  It was my mind that was telling me that I couldn't.  It was a false perception.
     
Here's what I decided that night. Once I make the decision to put my hands on the barbell, I OWN IT!  I will have complete confidence in what I'm doing.  At that moment, I am going to do what I set out to do.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind.  I will not think about anything other than the barbell and the movement that I'm attempting.  I will not think about my shoulder.  I will not think about the bad day that I am having.  I will not think about what other people are doing.  I will not even think about my last failed attempt.  I will only think about what I am going to do, not what I don't want to do.  I will ONLY think about picking the barbell up!  If it goes up, cool.  If it doesn't, there is always next time.  The outcome will not affect my confidence.  The only thing that can affect my confidence is the way that I think.

There are always going to be situations in life that we don't feel comfortable with.  In life, certain challenges will be presented that will question our abilities and confidence.  Just because the thought of something fills us with anxiety or doubt doesn't mean that we don't possess the ability to succeed.  It surely does not mean that we shouldn't try.  If I had let my fears and doubts conquer me that night and never attempted to pick up that 95 pound barbell, I would have never known that I was capable of so much more.  I laugh just thinking about that now.

Maybe there is something that is holding you back and you're scared to try.  What if you are letting fear or doubt get in the way of your true physical ability just like I did?  Learn from my experience.  Own the barbell before the barbell owns you!  

"You can't speak defeat and expect the have victory." ~Joel Osteen